The Master Gardener

The other day Seth took Stetson to the Children's Museum so that I could spend some time doing what I love in the summer. I quickly threw on my bathing suit, grabbed my art supplies and my gardening supplies and set up shop outside by the pool. I love to paint first while my mind is fresh. When I start to feel tired I garden until I'm hot and sweaty and then I jump in the pool to cool off. I float on the swan for a while and relax until I'm cooled off enough and ready to paint again.

After painting for a while that day, I hopped into my garden. Similar to how I can't design a room until I sit in it for a while, when I first get in the garden I don't fully see what needs to happen. Once my hands start moving my eyes begin to see the little details of things that need to be pulled or cut back or moved to make a more pleasant aesthetic or a healthier environment.

I began by untangling the morning glories from my hydrangea bushes, cat mint and lilac trees. I had no idea how much of the plant was covered and strangled by the morning glory weed until I started to pull it off. It had grown over the top of the plants, and while it had pretty lavender blooms, it was literally killing the plants I valued most.

The sun was hot and I had sweat dripping off the tip of my nose. I started off calmly, slowly, untangling, but once I realized how much of this invasive, disruptive, life sucking weed had taken over, I began ripping it out in handfuls. I didn't realize how big it was, how much there was of it, until I started doing the work. I was frantic, pulling, ripping and detangling. As I got my hydrangea bush free I realized how much sunlight it had been losing because of the weed that had covered the top. I began to get angry. I felt violated! How dare this weed find it's way to my garden and think it could just take over!

I did the same thing to the entire garden until it was weed free. When I was finished, I hopped in the pool to cool off and began floating on my swan. It was then that I noticed that there were a ton of dead branches on my lilac tree. How had I not noticed that before? I jumped out of the pool, grabbed the clippers and began clipping all of the dead branches. "How long have these been dead?" I wondered. Once I started clipping, again, I realized how many there were. Dead branches just like weeds take life and nutrients away from the living plant.

When I was all finished I laid on my swan and took in the beauty of my weeded and pruned garden. The hydrangeas were basking in the full sun. I began to imagine how beautifully they would bloom next summer. I admired the perennials that I had forgotten I had because they'd been covered in the unwanted vine. My lilac tree now had a beautiful shape with all the dead branches gone.

It was then that I realized something. If I didn't pull the morning glories up from their roots (which I hadn't) then they would be coming back next year, and the year after that. I'd be pulling up that same damn weed every year for the rest my life. However, if I found their roots, I could yank it up now and be done with it forever.

That's when it hit me. My husband and I have been very vocal about how hard life and marriage have been since we had a baby. Literally, weeds had been climbing up the most beautiful, prized, and precious parts of our lives and relationship for years. By the time we had a baby the weeds had completely taken over. They were blocking our sunlight, stealing our nutrients, and weighing us down so we couldn't grow.

I began thinking about all of the things in my life that tangle me up, steal my life, and block the light. They are things I keep ripping the tops off of or unwinding myself from but inevitably they always grow back. I heard God's voice reminding me that the only way to get rid of them is to get at the root.

What are the unwanted things in your life that keep growing large and taking over? What are the things that look really pretty at first, like the morning glory blooms, but upon closer inspection are brutal and deadly to the most precious and prized parts of your life? What weeds are growing bigger and taking over and destroying beauty in the garden of your life?

I have shared a bit about my marriage journey and I plan to share more at some point but for now I want to share the ministry that has helped me more than any other. It's called Freedom in Christ Ministries and they are professional root weeders. Actually, Jesus is the professional root weeder, but the wonderful people who work at this Ministry facilitate the work of the Master Gardener. They sit down with you, invite God's presence, and watch Him do the work. The beautiful thing about the Master Gardener is that through the process, He gets your soil primed so that when he discovers a weed he plucks it up and the whole thing gently but efficiently comes right out of the ground, roots and all, and it's done. It's over! The sunlight and nutrients return and you begin to bloom again.

Thank you Lord for the roots you have already identified and removed in my life. I ask you to continue Your gardening work in my life.

Amen

KSW

For more information about Freedom In Christ Ministries visit https://ficm.org/

Light Brings Life and the Hyacinth Knows it.

"If religion is a fairy tale of those afraid of the dark, then atheism is a fairy tale of those afraid of the light." -John Lennox

I just heard this quote last week for the first time and it has not left my mind. This happens to me often, someone says something that seems small at first but then makes such an imprint on my soul that I have no choice but to completely unpack it.

It's amazing what happens when we invite God to help us unpack something. We invite the author and creator of the universe to explain something about His creation and He always does it in the most profound way and he typically uses someone or something close to us in order to do it...for impact.

Hyacinths are my favorite smelling flower right up there with blooming Wisteria and Lilacs. I always fill my studio with Hyacinths in late winter because they remind me of what I have to look forward to and it helps keep away the end of the winter blues. I walked into my studio the other day and was moved by how boldly this little plant was diving towards the light. It wasn't just leaning, it was diving. Any further, and it would probably fall over.

That's when it hit me. Light brings life and the hyacinth knows it. Darkness has never boasted to be capable of this. Darkness is typically equated with death or sleep or rest or being blinded or having a veil over your mind, as in, "I was in the dark" on something. Darkness is a "not knowing" whereas being in the light is a knowing.

I plan to blog about marriage at some point, especially my own marriage and what I've been learning lately but for the sake of this entry I'm just going to mention one thing. When Seth and I were in the worst of it, when nothing made any sense, we decided to lean towards the light. We looked at our situation with all of it's bitterness and unforgiveness, it's harsh words and impatience and we CHOSE light. We said, "that's it." No more harshness, anger, criticizing, impatience. We are a household who believes in Christ (the ultimate light) and yet our home is filled with such darkness. Let's stop choosing darkness and chose instead the things of the light, namely, forgiveness, grace, mercy, love, laughter, joy, gentleness, tenderness, holiness. In other words, even in the midst of darkness it is possible to CHOOSE light. That was the beginning of our healing. There is more to that story for a later time but for now I mention it only to say that even in the most dire situations it is possible to choose light.

Like this hyacinth. If it leaned the other way it would slowly wilt, droop, sink and eventually die.

Light brings life and the Hyacinth knows it.

-KSW

Enjoying The Pasture

This is sort of a continuation of my previous post. I currently have so many blog ideas pouring into my mind these days it's hard to decide which one should come next. I want to start out by apologizing for any typos or bad grammar. As a busy mom of an almost three year old I have only enough time to write and proof read once. These posts won't be perfect, but they will be an outpouring of my heart. 

I woke up a few mornings ago with this saying in my head, "Grasping for gain" and I knew it was a word to me from God. That's how God typically speaks to me, it's usually while I'm sleeping. I'll wake up with a voice or thought in my head that seemingly comes out of nowhere. Sometimes it's something I've read or heard somewhere and sometimes it will be a completely new and unique concept. If God speaks to me, He typically does so through rest.

"Don't grasp for gain beyond what is a gift from God." It has taken me days to remember where I first heard this concept, I've been reading through old prayer journals because I knew it was a prayer I had prayed often, "Lord, help me not to grasp for gain beyond what is a gift from you." I pulled out a journal from 2006 and realized that my prayer life during that time was so beautiful. It was a collection of prayers and spirit filled concepts I had heard or read mostly from writers like John Piper or other spiritual leaders who were "Desiring God." In 2006 I didn't yet know the painful loss of a pregnancy or the devastation of infertility and my heart was so pure and so full of love and peace.

I remember almost walking away from my faith circa 2010/2011. I had been suffering from "unexplained infertility" post miscarriage. I had come to the conclusion that a God who would allow me to suffer so painfully was not a God whom I could worship. I felt forgotten, abandoned, unseen and worst of all...hated. How could He watch me "wait on Him" for so long and not answer my prayers for a baby? We were considering fertility treatments and adoption but at the time I was in so much pain and darkness that I knew I couldn't aggressively go after being a mom until my heart was at peace.

I was wrestling with God for the first time in my life. Growing up I knew (and was taught) that God was love, that He provided for those in need, that He answered prayer, that He was faithful and just, that He performed miracles and that He blessed those who were desperately seeking Him. I had been faithful to Him, I was serving Him in a myriad of ways, I was desperately seeking Him, why wasn’t He opening my womb? I want to say that I suffered like Job but I didn’t. I am not a Job. I am a Jacob.

I remember I had decided to become an atheist. I was not speaking to God. I had actually begun  talking bad about Him to other people. I don't remember exactly what happened here, but I  remember being in the room that is now my art studio and I was reading something or listening to something and somehow became very aware of God's presence and His power to take a person out if they angered Him. I remember it had something to do with Jacob wrestling with God. I felt like I heard God’s voice say to my spirit, "Sit down and shut up." It was one of those slap-in-the-face moments you see on tv where someone is freaking out until they get smacked in the face and then they are finally quiet enough to hear what the sensible other person has to say.

I remember being led to pick up my bible and read it. Pre-infertility my mornings were full of bible reading and prayer but post infertility and pregnancy loss my bible sat on the table collecting dust. I don't remember how I was led to read Numbers but I did and it was all about the Israelites being led out of Egypt by Moses. They had been told about the Promised Land but it was taking so long and they got tired of waiting on God and they started creating and worshiping idols. They stopped being faithful. Because of this God was going to take them out, He was going to end them. Moses pleaded with God not to do this, He told them that if He did, His reputation would be ruined. He begged God to spare their lives. God agreed to spare them but said that not one of them would live long enough to enter the Promised Land, or the Land of Milk and Honey. I decided in that moment that my infertility was like the Israelites wandering in the desert and that if I didn't stay faithful to the Lord I would miss out on my Milk and Honey. Someone once told me that the land of Milk and Honey was a land of plenty. I wanted my land of plenty! I had suffered enough, I wasn't going to miss out on my land of plenty too! I decided in that moment that I would reluctantly stay "faithful" to the Lord...because I wanted my Milk and Honey.

The years that followed were full of Milk and Honey! Trips to Paris, expensive shoes and handbags, time to paint and write and sit. Everything was plentiful time, money, love, life. I felt like finally I was blessed. I didn't have kids but I had everything else a girl could want (Celine bag, anyone?) and I was happy. I had remained faithful to God and didn't go rogue, worshiping other idols, right?

I remember when we bought our house in the Hamptons I had a feeling like God was finally fully making up for the fact that He didn't give me children. He owed me big! I was childless but I was blessed in other ways . God had given me my dream house and I planned to enjoy my Milk and Honey and eat it too!

We all know how this story goes. At the time that we bought our house I was vaguely aware that something was different in my heart but I didn't care. I knew that my Love for God and others had dried up and that I had changed but I just thought that was part of the suffering. It came with the territory. I fully accepted that I was a sad, broken hearted, barren, artist who would live out her days alone out in the woods creating art in solitude. Other people's suffering was their problem, not mine. I was doing all that I could just to survive my own and I couldn't be bothered.

And then I got surprisingly and miraculously pregnant.

Suddenly all of the things (idols) that I had created and acquired in order to soothe my broken heart weren't working anymore. I had a high risk pregnancy and a premature delivery and all of the the things I had started doing to survive the condition of my heart weren't working anymore. I could no longer do my drugs to the extent that I needed to feel ok...painting, drawing, writing, gardening, traveling, shopping, these were the things that were the breath in my lungs. Suddenly I didn't have the time or the ability to do them anymore to the extent that I needed them. They had become my magic elixir, I would use these things to numb my pain and to take the edge off and suddenly my supply dried up and I was going through hard core withdrawal...and I was angry.

I was so angry that loved ones and strangers alike started telling me so. Often I would hear the words, "I can see you're angry." My Mom, my therapist, my husband, my best friends, a stranger who prayed for Seth & I at church one Sunday morning they all said how angry I was. Some of them thought I needed medication. There were ideas thrown about of postpartum depression, PTSD, etc. It wasn't hard to see it. I was PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIssed.

I had a spinning mind, a palpitating heart, a chaotic spirit, and an angry soul. We were stressed, we were exhausted, we were burnt out, and we were overwhelmed. Life as we created it, on our own, without the presence of God, was not working. It was unmanageable. It was too much. We started fighting and couldn’t stop. 

One night I was driving out to the house by myself listening to Shauna Niequist's book Present Over Perfect and she said, "What barns do you need to burn down so you can see the moon again?" I started sobbing. I knew that my barn was the house. The house that we bought to escape, to recover, to live to laugh, to love, to rest and to enjoy (The Promised Land) had become nothing but work and toil and frustration and burden and strife and darkness and sleepless nights and exhaustion Nothing we did succeeded and I could no longer see the moon. My wisteria vines never bloomed. The deer ate my roses and my hydrangeas and my rhododendrons. The giant pool we bought we never got to enjoy much because we had a newborn and then a toddler. I spent six months in court because of my shrubs (another blog for another time). We never got to spend money on the exciting things (aesthetics) because all of our finances went to fixing the unexciting things (oil tanks and pool heaters and evergreens and rotting decks). I know that if you're a home owner you are reading this and thinking that this is all normal but you're going to have to believe me when I say that this combined with God's presence is normal but this without the presence of God is a curse. I had planned to raise my son in that house and have him attend school around the corner. I had a whole big plan for live's out there in The Hamptons but I knew in that moment in the car that God was redirecting us and that we were going to have to sell the house. It took about two years for Seth to catch up to me in that regard because all of the financials that go along with letting an investment go prematurely. It’s complicated. But one thing was certain, life in the Hamptons for us was a "bag of rotten groceries."

We had entered the promised Land without the presence of God. We had grasped for gain beyond what was a gift from Him. He was not in the purchase of our house nor was he in the days and the years that followed. Everything felt off and wrong but we had no idea how to fix it.

I'll mention it again that when our pastor prayed over us for healing last weekend I had an instantaneous heart and soul healing. I told my husband last night that when we drove away from the retreat on Sunday and stopped for lunch I felt like scales had come off of my eyes and I could see people for the first time in years and years. I could SEE people, really see them. The way I used to see people before my suffering and all of this grasping for gain. I told my husband that I had been healed. Not pre-house healing. Not pre-pregancy healing. Not pre bed rest and NICU healing. Not pre-postpartum healing. Pre INFERTILITY healing. This healing dates back to 2009. I don't mean I sorta got healed. I don't mean I partially got healed. I mean I got heal healed. My chains are gone. I'm set free. I'm back. (I will fill you in on the miraculous healing that is going on in our new church at another time, another blog).

Isaiah 50 says that if we ask God for fire and He doesn't give it to us that He will allow us to light our own fires but that misery will follow. Oh God, forgive me for lighting my own fire, for grasping for gain beyond what is a gift from you. I release my grasp, I let it all spill out all over the floor and on to your feet.

I went out to the house a couple of days ago by myself to work on this painting which was part of an art lesson series I've been taking with Russian watercolor artist Sergei Kurbatov. Our real estate agent is hosting a slew of open houses this week and I squeezed some time in there to focus on my work. I was up late at night and I took a break to go outside for fresh air to look at the stars. For the first time since we bought the house my mind was quiet. I was filled with peace. The air was still. My heart was at rest. My eyes were bright and I was full of hope. It’s so interesting that I bought the house to find peace but that I didn’t find true peace until I gave it up. 

Originally I was heart broken that we had to stay in New York City and that our home base would be this apartment rather than the house. But I know that we are now living within His will for our lives and that "for such a time as this" He has plans for us here. 

I have released my grip on gain and I have entered the true Promised Land. This new, true Promised Land is a land of plenty. Plenty of pasture. Plenty of peace. Plenty of rest. Plenty of love. Plenty of hope. Plenty of joy.

Stay tuned...

KSW

"...and whatever he did the Lord made it succeed." Genesis 39:23

Have you ever had a season in your life when it seemed like no matter how hard you worked you never seemed to get anywhere? You pour yourself out all day every day and somehow none of it makes any bit of difference?

The last three or four years have been like that for me. I have had big hopes and dreams and desires but none of them have been successful or fulfilling, in fact all of them have been frustratingly impossible. I feel like a race horse that keeps slamming its body up against a gate that just won't open.

I have been praying for insight and wisdom about this for a while now and none of it has made any sense to me until this weekend. My family and I were at our church retreat and our pastor was praying over our entire congregation for healing, inner spiritual and outer physical healing. While he was praying the Lord gave me a vision of my hands tightly gripping and desperately holding on to something. I knew immediately that I was supposed to open up my hands not only fully extended but over extended so that everything in my hands would spill out on to the floor. My dream house in the Hamptons that we're now selling, my art studios that I never have the time to work in, my novel that I've been writing for years, my gardens that either don't get any sun or the deer eat them or my nyc neighbors dig them up and take them, my dream of living outside of the city somewhere in nature with trees and water and birds and gardens and all of the things that heal my soul, my career as an artist, my difficult and struggling marriage, my motherhood, my emotions, my entire life. I was supposed to let go of all of it, and let it spill out onto the floor and onto the feet of Jesus.

The next morning God gave me so much insight into why life has become so difficult. Lately I have been telling people that it felt like God gave me everything I have ever wanted, all at once, and it had ruined me. He gave me the house, the miracle baby, the husband, the career as an artist, gardens both at the house and in the city, so much goodness all at once and yet it was like an atomic bomb was dropped on my life and bits and pieces of it went everywhere. It was chaotic, it was unmanageable. I was exhausted all the time and nothing made sense. Until this weekend...

During Matt Scogin's sermon at the retreat, He made us aware of a concept I had never heard before and that is that it is possible to enter the promised land without the presence of God. He said that Moses faced this possibility in Exodus 33 but that he refused to go without the Lord. "If your presence will not go with me, do not bring us up from here. For how shall it be known that I have found favor in your sight, I and your people? Is it not in your going with us, so that we are distinct, I and your people, from every other people on the face of the earth?" Ex 33:15-16

If you've been reading my blog lately then you know that I have been reading through the entire bible in the order that it is written in an effort to become bible literate. I am still currently in Genesis and already it is abundantly clear that those who have found favor in the sight of God are those whom He blesses. It has already become very clear that with God's presence and favor there is great success but without Him nothing succeeds.

How did I forget this? With God all things are possible. Without him you can do nothing. 

I used to know it well but somewhere along the way I got tired of waiting. I wanted my milk and honey more than I wanted God's presence and so God allowed me to get ahead of Him, and go out on my own. The problem with this is that without God's presence and blessing, the promised land is nothing but a miserable, crumbling, facade. 

It's time to allow the city we built without God to be leveled. It's time to repair and restructure it's foundation and to rebuild slowly, only as the Lord leads. This time I want God's presence all over it! Instead of tall trees I want full sun! Instead of abundance I want simplicity! Instead of many I want few. Instead of success I want rest. Instead of luxury I want joy. Instead of perfect I want peace.

Stay tuned...this race horse is leaving the race and heading out to pasture to run wild and free for a while. 

KSW

A Rocking Chair View

I'll be honest. I'm only writing this post to kill time as I wait for another layer on my sunset watercolor to dry. Everyone is still asleep so I'm stealing time alone in my studio. Even my cat has been sequestered to the bathroom so that I can sit in silence and enjoy the smell of the flowers on my windowsill. I have three hyacinth plants in the process of blooming, a purple one, a pink one and a white one. It seems that they grow taller with more open flower buds by the minute. I have a cup of cut white tulips in full bloom and a pink, potted tulip plant who's bright blooms are just beginning to peak out through it's thick green leaves.

Outside of my window is an alley that is currently filled with trash. There are two white mattresses leaning up against the fence along with what appears to be the entire contents of someone's apartment, a possible bedbug situation. There are giant clear garbage bags filled with the recycling from our building, plastics, paper, metal, glass, and everything else. Every once in a while I see a rat scurry from bag to bag.

If I sit all the way back in my rocking chair and squint my eyes, all I can see is my beautiful windowsill of flowers against a New York City backdrop. My neighbor's kitchen lights are starting to come on. I imagine that they're drinking coffee like me and getting breakfast ready for their families. I forget about all the trash down below and I focus instead on the warmth of my surroundings, the colors, shapes and textures of these beautiful plants in front of my window. I drink in the scent, I study the petals and I think about my next painting. I am fully present and wonderfully inspired.

Which reminds me of one of my favorite scriptures in the Bible, Philippians 4:8-9 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me - practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."

My prayer for myself this morning and for anyone reading this post is that you sit back in the rocking chair of your life, squint, and fix your eyes on the beauty. Let the bedbugs and the rats and the trash fall out of sight. Breathe in the aroma of what is blooming and fill your heart and mind up with that.

Peace be with you,

KSW

Fix it, Jesus

It has been seven or eight years since my last blog post. Until recently I had forgotten that I'd ever blogged at all! This morning as I pulled up my blogspot account I realized that I had three separate blogs from back in the day (pre-infertility years) that were still alive albeit highly neglected! I had one for my spiritual ramblings (The Minuet) one for my fashion photography career (Chasing Daylight) and one for cooking (Wood & Wine). I have been having so much fun looking back through those blogs trying to understand who I used to be pre-infertility, pre-high risk pregnancy, pre-mom. I suppose I could also say, who I used to be pre-suffering.

I don't even recognize that girl. I look through her images and read her words and I have a faint recollection of her. Something about her is familiar and I long to know her more intimately. I miss her. She is still a part of me deep down in there somewhere but the years and experiences have added so many layers to her that she's quite deeply buried.

This morning, however, I hear her voice. It's faint and muffled by the layers on top of her but I hear her enough to feel like she is a part of me this morning and I'd like to record what she's saying.

Here we go...

I was listening to a podcast recently (Risen Motherhood) and the guest author was Jen Wilkin. She was speaking about bible literacy in women and I was highly motivated to do as she suggested which was to read through the entire bible one chapter at a time in order to work on my own bible literacy. I've read my bible daily for many years but not in the way she suggests which is to read the entire bible word for word in it's proper order.

I started doing this at the end of last year and I am still only in Genesis but I've been making crazy new observations! Things I have never noticed before are leaping off of the pages and I am only on Chapter 29! Jen Wilkin says that most people read the bible and try to apply what it says to their own lives. They try to figure out what God must be saying to them personally. Mrs. Wilkins encourages people to just read it in order to understand who God is. I love that.

This morning what hit me hard and made me laugh is that there is so much tomfoolery in the early pages of the Bible!!! It is hysterical! Jacob marries and sleeps with the wrong sister, Isaac blesses the wrong son, and Abraham lies to powerful men telling them that his wife Sarah is his sister! There is so much deceit and trickery! It's worse than a modern day soap opera! But how did people fall for it!? How did they not know they were being lied to? How do you marry and sleep with the wrong sister especially when the right one is way more beautiful? 

I'm sitting here this morning in my rocking chair, coffee in hand, staring out the window in New York City wondering how in the world people written about in Genesis were so easily fooled. Could it be because there were no lights back then? Was it always dark? Could it be as simple as that? I suppose it's possible that they didn't even have fire at the time with which to see by?

I know I'm not supposed to try to apply this to my life but I can't help it. I'm thinking about the extent to which I can be lied to and deceived if I'm sitting in the dark.

Fix it, Jesus. 

Stay tuned because the old KSW might have more to say...

KSW

God's Secret Joys

The most amazing thing just happened. I was at the cafe down the street wanting to have my devotions outside. I was cold. I moved to Bennett park where a Polish husband and wife were learning how to rollerblade. They looked like they were 8 years old, off balance, falling down and laughing.

I randomly put on my facebook status, "One of my favorite things in life is when an adult does something that makes them look 8 years old again." After that, I opened up my Oswald Chambers devotional and it was talking about the sign of true friendship and how true friends share their secret joys with each other. It encouraged me to ask God what His secret joy is and all of the sudden it hit me! My facebook status was actually God speaking to me about one of His secret joys! I began crying blessed tears because I knew in that moment that He was sharing a secret side of His character with me...one that you would only know if you were truly intimate with Him!

The Lord is the coolest, most interesting person I know. Jesus, thank you for sharing Your secrets with me. Please help me to become more childlike. I want You to get pleasure from watching me!

Psalm 25:14
"The secret of the Lord is with those who fear Him."

KSW